The things nobody tells you...recovering from mastectomy surgery

Unexpected practicalities of becoming a uniboober

Since my surgery, I’ve discovered a number of annoying and unanticipated ramifications following my mastectomy.

  • Which side do you wipe with? My right breast was removed and unfortunately this coincided with my preferred wiping hand and toileting side of action. After 41 years, having to change a life-long habit was frustrating and felt awkward, not to mention physically painful for several days. I discovered the same scenario in the shower, bending to wipe and wash certain areas I usually prefer the right side and right hand. Due to underarm swelling and general tenderness, I had to challenge my left-right brain habits and learn a whole new washing regime.
  • My breast surgeon removed 1.2kg of tissue. This resulted in feeling unbalanced and messing with my ability to walk straight at times. I’m usually a fairly clumsy person at the best of times but I’ve found myself falling into walls, veering to the left unexpectedly and easily losing my balance if both feet aren’t planted firmly on the ground.
  • Post-surgery sleeping was a major challenge, rectified by 10 million pillows and a very understanding husband. I groaned and grunted every time I moved. Shift an inch = painful. Attempt to change positions = pain in the arse. Upon discharge from hospital I purchased a long body pillow and a boomerang pillow which I added to my existing three sleeping pillows to make a pillow cocoon, I was literally surrounded by softness no matter which way I turned. I had to sleep on my left side or my back for the first few weeks, supported by my ocean of pillows.
  • When a limb or body part is removed or lost, your brain doesn’t immediately realise it’s gone. I found myself doing strange things, like putting on a crop top and automatically moving my hand to lift/reposition my right breast which was no longer there. It was surreal to find myself grabbing at thin air, attempting to lift the non-existent breast into the crop top. Three weeks after surgery my brain was still not used to the fact that this body no longer had two saggy boobs to wrangle. Since surgery, I also experienced phantom twitches and tingling sensations, despite the absence of a physical breast and nipple within which to feel them.
  • Numbness in the wound site has been one of the most uncomfortable and off-putting side effects of mastectomy surgery. This has been most prominent in the underarm area and further down my side on the outer breast area where lymph nodes were removed during surgery. Washing your armpit with soap, while not being able to feel any sensation in your armpit, feels bizarre and grossed me out. My niece gifted me a beautiful toiletries kit containing liquid shower gel which I have been using under my armpits because it was softer and less uncomfortable than using a cake of soap.
Despite being totally lopsided and having only one squishy breast, check out my skills at still being able to wrap and secure a towel after showering.


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